Why you should shower before your flight

I am in all seriousness determined to make a blog post about travel hygiene. Why? Because yesterday I had a truly unforgettable flight and not the good kind of unforgettable.

I boarded an American Airlines flight to Grenada from Miami. If you know me, you know I don’t like the window seat. I secretly don’t want to watch us careen to our death if that ever were to happen. Yes, the likelihood index for this event is low, but work with me here. The second reason I don’t like the window seat is because I don’t like to feel contained and it is not lost on me that I am in a pressurized metal object moving quite briskly in the sky. But can I please sit in the aisle so I can stretch and get up on will?

So needless to say, I am in the window seat. I flew American Airlines—with whom I don’t have status, so I am one of the last people to board. The aisle and middle seat were already tucked in. So they get up to allow me to get to my window seat.

My first thought when both guests rise to standing position is, “One of these two people, didn’t shower…”

I sigh deeply because the next 3 hours will be harrowing at best.

As soon as I sit, I am internally tasked with the responsibility of determining the source/cause of the smell.

Every doctor knows a few smells uniquely: melena, flatulence, urosepsis, abscess, unwashed skin and poor dental hygiene are top hitters.

I’m a bonafide Sherlock Holmes, so I have narrowed it down to a few likely culprits.

This criminally malodorous person has decided to bond themselves with a jacket, in an attempt to throw us off of their scent—literally and figuratively. But much to our chagrin, they had failed. My initial thought was that they didn’t have time before their flight to shower and their deodorant had failed. I was wrong and the glaring clue was that every time this guest would remove their face mask the strength of the odors would increase. I was hot on their trail!

I was cornered and when they got up to use the restroom I saw my opportunity. I quickly sprayed my air deodorizer, but upon their return my canned spray stood no chance. I was back to fighting for my odorless life.

I tried to periodically fan the air and cover my face with my jacket. I started to sweat from poor ventilation. I was STRUGGLING. They add insult to injury by frequently striking up conversation. These are assuredly blows in an already ongoing attack.

I glance at the clock and my heart stops. We are only 15min into the journey to Grenada. I have suddenly lost confidence in my ability to make it to my destination unscathed.

The journey continues in much the same fashion: writhing in my seat, intermittent breath holding spells, pained tears welling up in my eyes and periodically checking my own pits and breath to assure that I was not the offending party (I was giving a strong Marc Jacobs Daisy and Listerine).

Upon landing, I did all but push this person off the plane. They had the audacity to wave goodbye to me in the terminal.

My message is simple: observe good hygiene when you travel. This includes special attention to the nethers, the crack and the pits. At bare minimum, you should brush your teeth, floss and use ample mouthwash.

PLEASE!